Shortcomings

I want to scream.
I want to break something.
And.. I want to cry.

I wanted nothing more than to be a mother.. My husband and I had our son about a month before our first anniversary, daughter came eighteen months later, and baby boy a little over two years after that.  They are now 11, 9 1/2, and nearly 7.  I love them all. There are special qualities to each of them that are wonderful.  There are wonderful moments that make my heart swell with pride and joy.
There are moments that make me want to scream.. or break something.. moments that make me want to cry.
I am so disappointed in myself.  I feel like I've failed my children.  I feel as if I've missed teaching them vital life lessons in loving and forgiving and compassion.  I feel.. well, I feel like I've been a poor example for them.  I feel guilty for not doing a better job as a mother.
I know also that most who know my children would tell me how great they are - and I know they are.. I just wish I saw the side of them that everyone else gets to see.  I wish their behavior at school and at friends' houses would follow them home.  I know it's there, somewhere.. just wish they'd show it to me more often. 
I had this vision of the kind of mother I would be.  Big dreams of playing together and making crafts and baking cookies and laughter, lots of laughter.. *tears-in-my-eyes*  There isn't that much laughter in my house.. and when there is laughter, it's usually not a result of anything I've done or said.  That would be my husband.  Thank God for his wonderful sense of humor and joking spirit. I want to be that person.  I want to be the carefree and happy person I show, but don't really Feel.  I want to be the person who, when alone, smiles at a remembered moment instead of crying over missed or spoiled moments..
Okay.. I'm finished beating up on myself for now.  Sorry for this somber, end-of-the-year post.  This year's been a struggle in so many ways.  I'm ready to move on and become the person I know I can be - truly happy and self-confident and proud.  *sniff*

12/30/11
A heartfelt "Thank You" to my wonderful friends who replied to this post via Facebook ~  I had to add some of your wonderfully tear-jerking comments.  LOVE YOU ALL!!!

"Now you stop that...Mom's are mothers that DO NOT come with a How To book, that is how God made us...he made us to be the behind-the-curtain nurturer, caretaker, disciplinarian...he made Dad's to be their best friend, their playmate, their partner in crime....You (and Your MOM and my MOM) are the Mom I always wanted to be...we are too hard on ourselves...You are a magnificient Mother/Mom/Momma/MMMOOOOMMM....The moral - - You should KNOW you have done a GREAT job raising your children when they ARE good at school, when they ARE good at the friends houses, they ARE good at Grandma and Grandpa's house...THAT is WHEN you KNOW you are a GREAT MOM! I love you and am VERY VERY proud of you! AND - dont be ashamed!!"  (from Tammy)
"That sums up beautifully how I feel about myself as a mother. Just remember nobody said it was going to be easy...just that it would be worth it. Keep your chin up. You are a wonderful mother & your kids are lucky to have you!"  (from Amy)
"The fact that you are able to put into words the way you feel, and post it for all to see, shows how great of a mother you really are!! As mothers we all feel like we could do better at times. Please do not beat yourself up as there are rough patches we all go through. HUGS"  (from Jessica)
"Such a sweet and refreshingly honest post. I agree, it would be nice to be perfect and have no regrets, but then we'd be proud & careless moms who couldn't teach a thing about humility, forgiveness, & second chances. They'll learn deep matters of the heart from you. And it would be fun to be the dad who's always creating a laugh. God knows we need them! :) But they need the mommy to worry, cry, figure, plan ahead, make adjustments, show love quietly and just smile sweetly. You're a wonderful mommy. Love you."  (from Kattie)
"I love you, and I know you are a good MOM! We all think we could have done things better, but, like your friends said, we are MOMS by trial and error. Just keep on saying I Love You and know that you are teaching your children valuable lessons each and every day that makes them the best that they can be out in the world. Count to 10 when you are too angry... That is what your Uncle David said, he said...'Then I cool down!'"  (from my mom)