A Change

Something has changed..  I feel it deep within at times.  The feeling isn't always there I'll admit, but I feel it all the same.

~  Mile 2 of 40  ~

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, preparation for Easter.  As is tradition for me, I've decided to "give up" sweets for the duration.  This includes candy, cookies, cakes and ice cream - It's going to be tough for someone with a major sweet tooth!  With the help of my kids (who have also given up sweets), maybe I can actually stick to it this year. My kids and I will also be walking 40 miles in 40 days; a challenge handed out to all of the school children.  Only two walks into the forty, and, already, I'm loving the dedicated time with my kids!  No electronic "noise" to get in the way, no arguments (so far anyway), time to talk about the day and spend quality time together.  I've missed spending time with them, I mean, really spending time with them with out all the distractions at home.  And still, things just feel different this year.  A "stirring in my soul," if you will..  I find myself looking for more, looking for a deeper understanding of this religion that I've grown up with and am currently raising my children with..

This year, I'm trying something different along with my usual Lenten sacrifices.  I stumbled upon a website (www.bustedhalo.com) thanks to one of my dear facebook friends.  She was suggesting a Lenten calendar to another friend of hers.. and, since facebook is so helpful in sharing others' online conversations, I thought I'd check it out.  The calendar is great (two days in..) and offers a new way each day to look deeper.  Ways to Fast, to Pray, to Give.  I am drawn to this site that is full of information and the calendar that is offering tips for the next 38 days.  For the first time in years, I feel more "part" of this religious season, more invested in what Lent is all about.  No, not just because of this calendar.. For the first time in years, I'm more invested because I want to be instead of going through the motions.

I was raised to believe.  I've always known God and Jesus, and I've always prayed.  I hear about others who have "accepted the Lord into their hearts" and wondered what it felt like to not know God, to not believe or understand..  I find myself wondering now if This is what that feels like.  Maybe, after 30 years of practice, I'm finally really "finding" God.. finding the desire to learn more, to trust more, to do more..
Something has changed, I can feel it.