Humble Pie

Um.. yeah..  Have you ever had one of those moments where you just wanted to melt into the floor?  Most likely you have.. I know I've felt that way on several occasions, most recently thanks to the artistic talents of my dear daughter.. *sigh*

Recently, my children's school held a fundraiser where the kids donated items for auction.  My daughter's class wrote and illustrated 'A Prayer Book for Mom' .. .. I wish I'd have known what they were doing.  I wish I could have 'helped' her come up with a prayer idea.  I wish I'd have had some input also..  But, then I wouldn't have been blessed with her most honest (and loving) prayer.

I didn't feel 'blessed' when I first saw her prayer..  I was mortified.  I couldn't bear the thought of this prayer about my anger being auctioned off to some unknown parish member.  I mean, her name was on it!  That meant MY name was on it!  And those pictures!!  Those deeply emotional and colorful pictures..  *sigh*  I was mortified.  I was ashamed really.. Ashamed that my anger has gotten the better of me often enough that my 8 year old daughter thought I needed a prayer to help me..

After having some time to get over myself, I can now see that she really was trying to help.  She's always had a way with the written word (like her mommy *wink*).  She was watching when I yelled and, quite frankly, behaved like a child myself.  She was listening when I apologized for losing my temper.  It's all there in the prayer.  And her pictures, her oh-so-detailed pictures, show my anger.. but her pictures also show my love.  (And did you notice that at the top there are storm clouds that give way to sunshine at the bottom?.)  She shows my struggle, my constant struggle, to reign in my temper.  The storm passes..  I do still lose my temper on occasion.  More often though, I see this prayer in my mind whenever I feel myself getting angry.  I see the red faced mom with steam pouring out of her ears.  I think of this prayer, and I take a breath.  I remember the loving words from my daughter written to help me, and I feel blessed.

A Change

Something has changed..  I feel it deep within at times.  The feeling isn't always there I'll admit, but I feel it all the same.

~  Mile 2 of 40  ~

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, preparation for Easter.  As is tradition for me, I've decided to "give up" sweets for the duration.  This includes candy, cookies, cakes and ice cream - It's going to be tough for someone with a major sweet tooth!  With the help of my kids (who have also given up sweets), maybe I can actually stick to it this year. My kids and I will also be walking 40 miles in 40 days; a challenge handed out to all of the school children.  Only two walks into the forty, and, already, I'm loving the dedicated time with my kids!  No electronic "noise" to get in the way, no arguments (so far anyway), time to talk about the day and spend quality time together.  I've missed spending time with them, I mean, really spending time with them with out all the distractions at home.  And still, things just feel different this year.  A "stirring in my soul," if you will..  I find myself looking for more, looking for a deeper understanding of this religion that I've grown up with and am currently raising my children with..

This year, I'm trying something different along with my usual Lenten sacrifices.  I stumbled upon a website (www.bustedhalo.com) thanks to one of my dear facebook friends.  She was suggesting a Lenten calendar to another friend of hers.. and, since facebook is so helpful in sharing others' online conversations, I thought I'd check it out.  The calendar is great (two days in..) and offers a new way each day to look deeper.  Ways to Fast, to Pray, to Give.  I am drawn to this site that is full of information and the calendar that is offering tips for the next 38 days.  For the first time in years, I feel more "part" of this religious season, more invested in what Lent is all about.  No, not just because of this calendar.. For the first time in years, I'm more invested because I want to be instead of going through the motions.

I was raised to believe.  I've always known God and Jesus, and I've always prayed.  I hear about others who have "accepted the Lord into their hearts" and wondered what it felt like to not know God, to not believe or understand..  I find myself wondering now if This is what that feels like.  Maybe, after 30 years of practice, I'm finally really "finding" God.. finding the desire to learn more, to trust more, to do more..
Something has changed, I can feel it.