Shortcomings

I want to scream.
I want to break something.
And.. I want to cry.

I wanted nothing more than to be a mother.. My husband and I had our son about a month before our first anniversary, daughter came eighteen months later, and baby boy a little over two years after that.  They are now 11, 9 1/2, and nearly 7.  I love them all. There are special qualities to each of them that are wonderful.  There are wonderful moments that make my heart swell with pride and joy.
There are moments that make me want to scream.. or break something.. moments that make me want to cry.
I am so disappointed in myself.  I feel like I've failed my children.  I feel as if I've missed teaching them vital life lessons in loving and forgiving and compassion.  I feel.. well, I feel like I've been a poor example for them.  I feel guilty for not doing a better job as a mother.
I know also that most who know my children would tell me how great they are - and I know they are.. I just wish I saw the side of them that everyone else gets to see.  I wish their behavior at school and at friends' houses would follow them home.  I know it's there, somewhere.. just wish they'd show it to me more often. 
I had this vision of the kind of mother I would be.  Big dreams of playing together and making crafts and baking cookies and laughter, lots of laughter.. *tears-in-my-eyes*  There isn't that much laughter in my house.. and when there is laughter, it's usually not a result of anything I've done or said.  That would be my husband.  Thank God for his wonderful sense of humor and joking spirit. I want to be that person.  I want to be the carefree and happy person I show, but don't really Feel.  I want to be the person who, when alone, smiles at a remembered moment instead of crying over missed or spoiled moments..
Okay.. I'm finished beating up on myself for now.  Sorry for this somber, end-of-the-year post.  This year's been a struggle in so many ways.  I'm ready to move on and become the person I know I can be - truly happy and self-confident and proud.  *sniff*

12/30/11
A heartfelt "Thank You" to my wonderful friends who replied to this post via Facebook ~  I had to add some of your wonderfully tear-jerking comments.  LOVE YOU ALL!!!

"Now you stop that...Mom's are mothers that DO NOT come with a How To book, that is how God made us...he made us to be the behind-the-curtain nurturer, caretaker, disciplinarian...he made Dad's to be their best friend, their playmate, their partner in crime....You (and Your MOM and my MOM) are the Mom I always wanted to be...we are too hard on ourselves...You are a magnificient Mother/Mom/Momma/MMMOOOOMMM....The moral - - You should KNOW you have done a GREAT job raising your children when they ARE good at school, when they ARE good at the friends houses, they ARE good at Grandma and Grandpa's house...THAT is WHEN you KNOW you are a GREAT MOM! I love you and am VERY VERY proud of you! AND - dont be ashamed!!"  (from Tammy)
"That sums up beautifully how I feel about myself as a mother. Just remember nobody said it was going to be easy...just that it would be worth it. Keep your chin up. You are a wonderful mother & your kids are lucky to have you!"  (from Amy)
"The fact that you are able to put into words the way you feel, and post it for all to see, shows how great of a mother you really are!! As mothers we all feel like we could do better at times. Please do not beat yourself up as there are rough patches we all go through. HUGS"  (from Jessica)
"Such a sweet and refreshingly honest post. I agree, it would be nice to be perfect and have no regrets, but then we'd be proud & careless moms who couldn't teach a thing about humility, forgiveness, & second chances. They'll learn deep matters of the heart from you. And it would be fun to be the dad who's always creating a laugh. God knows we need them! :) But they need the mommy to worry, cry, figure, plan ahead, make adjustments, show love quietly and just smile sweetly. You're a wonderful mommy. Love you."  (from Kattie)
"I love you, and I know you are a good MOM! We all think we could have done things better, but, like your friends said, we are MOMS by trial and error. Just keep on saying I Love You and know that you are teaching your children valuable lessons each and every day that makes them the best that they can be out in the world. Count to 10 when you are too angry... That is what your Uncle David said, he said...'Then I cool down!'"  (from my mom)

DARN those vices of mine..

When it comes to food, I usually find it VERY hard to resist.  I have a love affair with food.  And the problem here, as I'm sure I mentioned somewhere before, is that I MUST eat to live.. I guess, really, the problem is that sometimes I live to eat..  And I feel it's pretty safe to say that I tend to eat to bury issues I don't want to deal with.. And now that the holiday season is in full swing, there are SO many foods that I just LOVE to eat!
For me, there is something sweet that I associate with each holiday: Valentine's Day - conversation heart candies (soft, not rock hard), Easter - jelly beans, 4th of July - chips and dips and other picnic-finger-food goodness, Halloween - candy corn/pumpkins (and really anything else from the kids' candy haul), Thanksgiving and Christmas - big family dinners.. seconds included.. and dessert.. with seconds.. Okay, so it's not all sweet stuff, but Holy Bulging Belly!
I keep trying to set "limits" for myself - No candy, or at least limit it to just one or two pieces.  Smaller portion sizes. VEGGIES and FRUITS, the 'Real' stuff, not the covered-in-creamy-goodness holiday stuff. And then something will set me off... and I'll eat, and eat, and eat..  A little of this, a little of that, maybe a little more of that. Then, after stuffing myself with all things un-healthy, I am miserable and vow to Never do that again!  Only to do it again.. and again..  *sigh*
I really, Really need to figure SOMETHING out here...
You would think that my uncle having a major heart attack, or my cousin passing away, or my other cousin and my aunt developing (and beating) cancer, or my grandmother's long battle with health issues, or any number of other examples I could list would give me the motivation and drive to Really change.. But that "change" only lasts for a little while.  I've got to do something though.  I want to feel better, healthier, when I look at myself in the mirror.  I want to be proud of the person I see.. and right now I'm not.

Oh the memories...

Before I gave birth to my first child, I'd heard other mothers comment on how "you forget the pain" after you hold your baby for the first time.  And, possibly because I had the help of drugs, I did.  Thinking back, I remember the "labor" of the birthing process, but I don't really remember the "pain" of that labor.  I remember holding my new baby.  Seems that our brains are quite helpful in providing us with the warm fuzzy memories while filtering, if you will, the painful or unpleasant memories.

Last night, one of my sisters took my daughter for a sleepover with her daughter. Girl's night at her house.  My baby sister then left her two boys with me for the night and the day today.. her 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 year old boys.  And, suddenly, the memories my brain had "filtered" are flooding back.  I love my nephews and LOVE when they get to stay!  I am always surprised at the things I've so easily "forgotten" about little ones in the house...

• Parents (mommies anyway) of little ones really don't get a lot of sleep.
• Waking up in an unfamiliar house, in the wee hours of the morning, Without Your mommy can be quite scary, even if your aunt is there.  And, being woken up by your sad brother makes you even sadder.  And as for comfort... the Aunt doesn't always cut the mustard.  She's NOT Mommy.
• Finding dry clothes and changing bedding in the wee hours of the morning is quite challenging when you're only half awake.
• "No" doesn't really mean "No," it means try it again.. Okay, so I didn't really forget this one, it's just a different interpretation for a 1 1/2  or 3 1/2 year old.
• Little ones are quite exhausting for parents... Where DO they get their unending supply of energy?!

But, oh the memories ~ I love having a conversation with a 3 1/2 year old.  It can be so very enlightening.  Snuggling on the couch with a sleeping 1 1/2 year old is heartwarming.  The belly laughs you get out of little ones are the BEST sounds in the World!  Little ones have such an amazing way of looking at this big world we live in, everything is still new and exciting..

I love visits from my nephews.  I miss when my children were in the baby/toddler stages... but I am quite content with where we are now.

It's all in the Details

Today's entry comes courtesy of my darling daughter ~

I found a "report" my daughter wrote a couple weeks ago tucked among her school homework.  Her 4th grade class had been instructed to interview an "older person" and write about what they learned.  She came home with a page of questions and answers and had written a half-page report, but wouldn't let me read it then.. I should have insisted.  She'd basically written what she'd asked, omitting the answers.. She left out the details.  So, I explained that she needed to be as descriptive with her school reports as she is with all of the short stories she has written.  "Okay," she said with a sweet little hint of a smile.  Below is her latest short story... one that she quickly covered up when I peeked at what she was writing last night.

Parent's Are Our Teachers
Pay attention to them because they are always full of instructions.  so be ready to have chores in the afternoon and in the evening.  It's too bad when you don't listen, OOPS! Now you're grounded from electronics.  You tell them you were daydreaming, but they send you to your room.
You're very bored right now.
All the time you sit so bored.  You are almost ready to snooze.  Five minutes later you're catching zzzzz's.  Every minute in your room seems totally lame.
Okay, time to face the parents.  Confession time.
"Uhhhh, I'm sorry.  I wasn't listening."
"Are you ready to tell the truth?" they say.
They now know the truth.  You feel guilty.  Each step you take makes you weaker.  Also, you're pale and about to faint.  It's very cold in the attic, where you sleep, but there's a heater in the corner, a tiny one.  Every blow of hot air becomes thinner.  You start raking piles of leaves and dirt away from you.  Super cold, but still, you're finally warm and sleeping.

I guess she showed me who can use descriptive words..
And, no, she doesn't live in a leaf-filled, dirty, cold attic with only a tiny space heater for warmth.

Busily Blessed

I am Blessed.  I am Busy.
Three children, two jobs, school homework and projects, dance classes, housework, time for fun, the day-to-day of this life I live...  I am busily blessed.

I have life.  I have a home, the house has issues.. but I have a home for my family.  I am able to provide shelter, clothing and food for my children.  I have purpose.  I have love.

I have a husband that does more for me than he even knows.  He listens when I need to vent, and takes over with the kids when I need him to, and does so much around the house.  He keeps me grounded and keeps me flying high.  He makes me laugh when I want to cry.  He gives me space when I need it, but pushes when needed also.  He believes in me even when I'm doubting, especially when I'm doubting.
He loves me.

I have three healthy children that each bring a unique dynamic to my life.  Three children that I've been able to watch grow and learn and see the sparkle of joy/excitement/life in their eyes.  Three children I've been able to love.  Three children who love me.

My oldest challenges me to be a better me.. a calmer, more patient me.  He has a sensitive soul and a compassionate heart.  He can get so very angry, but can also be so very sweet and loving.  He is gaining independence and learning responsibility.  He's becoming a young man.  He's growing up.. and I'm not quite ready.
My middle keeps it real.  She tells it like it is.  She is a born leader, but has rare shy moments of insecurity.  She learns quickly and remembers nearly every bit of information she encounters.  She is gentle and loving and helpful.  She has always behaved older than her age.. and I'm not ready for her to grow up either.
My baby reminds me that life is for discovery and enjoyment.  He has a smile that crinkles his eyes and makes everyone around happy.  He moves at a slower pace, enjoying all of the little things that fill his world.  He is meticulous with details and proud of a job well done.  He has promised to always be my baby, even when he's a daddy.. and I hold on to that promise tighter than he could ever know.

I have a family, more than a hundred strong, that provides love and support and encouragement.  I could, given time, list each and every one.. and I feel good knowing that I do know them all.  My grandparents wanted us to know our family, and we do.  We are spread far and wide, but all are dear to my heart.  I couldn't ask for a better family to call my own.  Beyond my family, I have a network of friends that aren't family by blood, yet still there in all the ways my family is.  I would not be the person I am today without my family and friends.

I am blessed.

A Healthy Perspective

I've been given many reminders lately that I should live this life of mine and truly appreciate the little joys I've been blessed with.  Things have happened in the lives of those around me that make me stop and look closer at what I've got, what I'm doing, where I'm headed..  What am I doing?  Is it worth it?  Am I happy, I mean truly happy?  Am I giving time to the important little everyday moments that slip away all to quickly?

Over the course of the last several months,  I've experienced how quickly things can change.  A dear friend and roll model of mine has fought what seems like every infection possible and continues to fight with a faithful spirit that is an inspiration.  My husband's cousin (my cousin-in-law?) found out that she had been fighting cancer for an unknown amount of time and has since had surgery, treatment, and a new lease on her life.  A co-worker of mine was admitted to the hospital over the weekend after feeling ill only to find himself undergoing a triple-bypass surgery a few days ago.  Eight months ago, my young cousin went into the hospital with back pain..  Now, she visits our memories with her sweet smile.

So much that I've taken for granted could be gone in an instant..

My health is not guaranteed.  It could change tomorrow.  I could be in the hospital.
The health of my family is not guaranteed..  I could be visiting the hospital tomorrow.

Today is all that I know I have.  I want to do everything I can to build a healthy life for myself and my family ~ healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually.  All the little changes I've been trying to make now have a deeper meaning.. the reality of how quickly things change is so much closer to home.  Life, the everyday moments that make up my life, is so very precious and so very fragile..  So, to follow advise of those I mentioned, I'm trying harder to take in every moment and appreciate it for what it is.  I'm putting more effort into letting go of needless anger and not giving energy to negative attitudes.  I'm giving more time to my children.. because my time with them is passing faster than I could ever have imagined when I cradled them in my arms.  I'm giving thanks for what I have, because I really do have a lot ~

It's SOOOOO Hot...

Some humor for your Saturday morning :)  In light of the drawn-out extreme heat in the plains of the United States, I thought I'd let you all know Just how hot it has been.

• It's SO hot the Cows are giving evaporated milk.
• It's SO hot the Chickens are laying hard boiled eggs.
• It's SO hot the Trees are whistling for dogs.
• It's SO hot the Birds are picking worms from the ground with tongs.
• It's SO hot the Corn Fields started POPPING!!  The Cows freaked out and thought it was snowing and FROZE to death!!

Okay, pretty cheesy knee-slappers there, but in this heat you've gotta have something!

The last several days, we have been getting a little rain. That is, if you were lucky enough to be under one of the little "storms" (and I mean LUCKY.. A matter of a block made a LOT of difference..), or in the path of the unpredictable lines of the last couple evenings.  This morning, we even had a puddle left in the driveway from our over-night rain!!  Thank you Lord for some moisture!  Now, if we could just get the heat to ease up..  Fall, Eventually, will be here.. Right?!

*GASP* That's not ME!!.. is it?..

I read an online article yesterday about bad habits; why you might be doing the particular habit and how it might hold you back. Most of it was pretty obvious.. and really, the excerpt below probably is too.. but *gasp* That's not ME.. is it?

Fatal Flaw #1: You procrastinate. "Tomorrow is soon enough. Besides, I excel under pressure."
The ugly truth: You're secretly afraid your work won't be perfect and you'll be outed as a fraud. "Procrastinators tend to be very concerned about what other people think of them," says Joseph Ferrari, PhD, a professor of psychology at DePaul University in Chicago. "If you worry that you will never perform as well as you have in the past, fear of failure may be halting your progress." Putting off work provides a ready-made excuse: Instead of admitting failure, you can always blame your busy schedule and overbooked calendar. "That way, you can tell yourself the project would have been successful if only you'd had more time," Ferrari explains. (from 5 Habits Holding you Back from Fitness Magazine, on Yahoo Shine)

Ok, so maybe it is me a little bit.. I'm pretty sure I could look deeply within my being and see that I am indeed afraid of whatever-project NOT being Exactly the way I think it should be.  And, yes, it can be said that I am all too aware of what others Might be thinking of me.  You could read some of my previous posts to see some of my insecurities and perfectionist issues.. I like things to be "right." Is that really such a big problem? Truth is, Yes. It is a problem when being "right" gets in the way of even finishing in the first place. Does admitting this mean I'm a cured procrastinator? Absolutely Not.
Well, at least I'm honest, right?

Quirks - the OCD in Me

I'm pretty sure I'm an undiagnosed OCD patient.  Those that know me well would probably agree, and some (like my husband) will offer up some sarcastic remark about my "quirks."  Maybe it's not OCD.. maybe it's just me being, well.. Me.  So, here are some things to make you smile, or chuckle, or just shake your head in disbelief.

• I really, Really don't like odd numbers.  Prime numbers are the absolute worst.  Exceptions to the "rule" - multiples of 5 (I actually prefer multiples of five.. though I can't say for sure why) and the number 9.
• I will stack plates/towels/cups/etc. so that they are in a color pattern.. or (to the opposite extreme) in a random-by-design manner.  I don't like two of the same color together unless it's part of the pattern.
• I'm very aware of germs around me.  I hate having dirty hands, but it's not necessary for me to wash after every touch.
• I don't touch raw hamburger (or anything of the same likeness) if I can help it.  I will use a spoon or spatula before touching it with my hands.  I don't like the slimy/mushy feel of it.  The worst thing is when my husband, who LoVeS to torment me, smears his hamburgery hands on me Before Washing!!
• I hate when I write the same number or letter twice in a row.. because they never look alike.. and you can Really notice when they're next to another letter/number of the same kind.
• I'm quite anal when it comes to the dishes.. I have to scrub ALL particles of food off the dishes before they can go into the dishwasher (I need to know they'll be Clean when they come out).  I also cannot just start the dishwasher after the kids have loaded it..  *sigh*  I can't help but rearrange a little (so I can get a few more things in)... and make sure things are rinsed off well.
• Laundry MUST be folded without any wrinkles - aside from the fold lines.  And things need to be organized in the dresser.. in neat piles..  I've pretty much banned myself from looking into my kids' dressers because I know I'll end up refolding everything.
• I really like to be in control of a situation, but I'd prefer NOT to be in Charge.  I like to know what is going on, and why things are happening, and that things are being done the way I think works best.  My poor children..  I'm sure a LOT of my parenting struggles are due to this particular "quirk."

I know there are more things that drive my family crazy.. these are the ones that I notice the most.  God bless my family and friends for putting up with my OCD-ness.  I must admit (or rationalize), after spending a weekend with some of my extended family.. I come by my quirks honestly.  I am not alone in some of my OCD moments.. and I find a little comfort in that.  ;)

I don't like to pretend..

I'm worried about my boy.  I'm sad for my boy.  I'm afraid I've failed my boy.

I have a gamer.  At 10 1/2 years of age, he'd prefer electronic over any other mode of entertainment if given the choice.  His daddy's a gamer..  He loves his daddy.  But, games aren't his dad's main focus.  I want more for my boy than electronic entertainment.  I want him to play outside, hang out with friends, get into 10 yr old boy mischief..  I want him to enjoy all life has to offer.

I feel as though I've come up short as his mother.  My overbearing, over-protective ways may have "stunted" his imaginative growth.  It breaks my heart to see his brother and sister play with the friend that came to play with HIM and all he can do is sit on the porch and stare.  It hurts to see him on the outside.. and know he doesn't really want to join in the game.

     "Have fun!"
     "I don't like what they're playing."
     "Find something you do like.  Use your imagination.  Pretend you're a monster scaling a mountain."
     "I don't like to pretend." (with a sullen scowl)

I'm worried that it's too late.. that there's too much "fun" lost through his younger years and now he doesn't know how to just Have Fun.  I'm scared that I stopped him too many times when he was littler, that I hushed him too much, that I didn't play With him enough because I was too busy with other things.. too busy for my first born child..  too busy to interact and teach him that life is full of fun.

I need a rewind button on life, or at least a pause button.  I need time to show him how fun his days can be.. if he'd only use a little imagination.  I need to interact with my boy, laugh with my boy, imagine the possibilities with my boy.

Looking Glass

When you are looking in the mirror, you are looking at the problem.  But, remember, you are also looking at the solution. ~ Anonymous

I found this quote on Facebook, and it 'spoke' to me.  I am my own worst enemy..  I tend to talk a big talk, but I don't actually follow through very often.  I doubt myself constantly.  And I'm so hard on myself when things don't work out like I want.  I am the cause of my problems, and I am the solution.  

I am ready to make a change, to be the solution.  I've signed up for an early-morning R.I.P.P.E.D. class at a local fitness studio.  I'm scared to be honest.  I'm not a morning person (as I'm sure I've mentioned..), and this particular class starts at 5am three days a week!!  *fingers crossed*  Maybe I'll become a morning person?..  In any case, I'll be starting my day in a great, albeit torturous, way.  The Easter candy we came home with (which was more candy than we had at Halloween, by the way) has mostly been taken to work by my husband and myself to "share" with our coworkers (I couldn't take ALL the kids' candy from them!).  We will continue our walks as often as we're able.  Summer break is almost upon us, so we should be able to get out a lot.  I will take a "time out" more often so that I don't completely lose my temper, I will breathe.  I will say I'm sorry when I mess up, because I know I will.  I'm thinking that I'll post messages around my house where needed - "Don't eat that. You don't really need it." in the kitchen.. All Over the kitchen.  "Breathe.  Just breathe." and "It's not worth the fight." throughout the house.  "You are Worth It." on my mirror.

I want to be my biggest supporter.  I want to be proud of my accomplishments.. and of the lessons learned from my shortcomings.  I want to pick myself up, dust myself off and continue along this road of life.

Humble Pie

Um.. yeah..  Have you ever had one of those moments where you just wanted to melt into the floor?  Most likely you have.. I know I've felt that way on several occasions, most recently thanks to the artistic talents of my dear daughter.. *sigh*

Recently, my children's school held a fundraiser where the kids donated items for auction.  My daughter's class wrote and illustrated 'A Prayer Book for Mom' .. .. I wish I'd have known what they were doing.  I wish I could have 'helped' her come up with a prayer idea.  I wish I'd have had some input also..  But, then I wouldn't have been blessed with her most honest (and loving) prayer.

I didn't feel 'blessed' when I first saw her prayer..  I was mortified.  I couldn't bear the thought of this prayer about my anger being auctioned off to some unknown parish member.  I mean, her name was on it!  That meant MY name was on it!  And those pictures!!  Those deeply emotional and colorful pictures..  *sigh*  I was mortified.  I was ashamed really.. Ashamed that my anger has gotten the better of me often enough that my 8 year old daughter thought I needed a prayer to help me..

After having some time to get over myself, I can now see that she really was trying to help.  She's always had a way with the written word (like her mommy *wink*).  She was watching when I yelled and, quite frankly, behaved like a child myself.  She was listening when I apologized for losing my temper.  It's all there in the prayer.  And her pictures, her oh-so-detailed pictures, show my anger.. but her pictures also show my love.  (And did you notice that at the top there are storm clouds that give way to sunshine at the bottom?.)  She shows my struggle, my constant struggle, to reign in my temper.  The storm passes..  I do still lose my temper on occasion.  More often though, I see this prayer in my mind whenever I feel myself getting angry.  I see the red faced mom with steam pouring out of her ears.  I think of this prayer, and I take a breath.  I remember the loving words from my daughter written to help me, and I feel blessed.

A Change

Something has changed..  I feel it deep within at times.  The feeling isn't always there I'll admit, but I feel it all the same.

~  Mile 2 of 40  ~

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, preparation for Easter.  As is tradition for me, I've decided to "give up" sweets for the duration.  This includes candy, cookies, cakes and ice cream - It's going to be tough for someone with a major sweet tooth!  With the help of my kids (who have also given up sweets), maybe I can actually stick to it this year. My kids and I will also be walking 40 miles in 40 days; a challenge handed out to all of the school children.  Only two walks into the forty, and, already, I'm loving the dedicated time with my kids!  No electronic "noise" to get in the way, no arguments (so far anyway), time to talk about the day and spend quality time together.  I've missed spending time with them, I mean, really spending time with them with out all the distractions at home.  And still, things just feel different this year.  A "stirring in my soul," if you will..  I find myself looking for more, looking for a deeper understanding of this religion that I've grown up with and am currently raising my children with..

This year, I'm trying something different along with my usual Lenten sacrifices.  I stumbled upon a website (www.bustedhalo.com) thanks to one of my dear facebook friends.  She was suggesting a Lenten calendar to another friend of hers.. and, since facebook is so helpful in sharing others' online conversations, I thought I'd check it out.  The calendar is great (two days in..) and offers a new way each day to look deeper.  Ways to Fast, to Pray, to Give.  I am drawn to this site that is full of information and the calendar that is offering tips for the next 38 days.  For the first time in years, I feel more "part" of this religious season, more invested in what Lent is all about.  No, not just because of this calendar.. For the first time in years, I'm more invested because I want to be instead of going through the motions.

I was raised to believe.  I've always known God and Jesus, and I've always prayed.  I hear about others who have "accepted the Lord into their hearts" and wondered what it felt like to not know God, to not believe or understand..  I find myself wondering now if This is what that feels like.  Maybe, after 30 years of practice, I'm finally really "finding" God.. finding the desire to learn more, to trust more, to do more..
Something has changed, I can feel it.

Button It

Do you ever have a morning where you know better than to open your mouth?  A moment where you know it's just better to just "button it" than to speak any more?  This morning, much to my regret, my less-than-stellar parenting skills were on raging display.. damn.

I've got lots of great quotes about kids/parenting - about teaching through actions instead of words; about walking away because, as tough as it is, a lifetime without your kids is unbearable; about their laughter and smiles.  And, I did walk away.  I took deep breaths.  I spoke calmly, stern, but calm.  After nearly an hour and a half of crying from my newly 6 year old son, I lost it.  His pants didn't fit right - "So go and put a different pair of pants on."  His belt was too tight - "Make it looser then."  His glasses didn't feel the same behind his ears - "I'm sorry. They were fine last night though." His socks felt funny - "What would you like Me to do about that?"  There's sand in his shoes - "Dump It Out!"  Nothing, NOTHING would make him happy.  And, it was "too hard" to stop crying.

So, the 6 year old in me came out.  I screamed.  I yelled.  I pouted.  I slammed doors.  I cried a little.

And now, after dropping my three "gifts from God" at school.. The shame and guilt has set in full force.  It's no wonder my 10 year old has no patience and speaks to me in ways that, if I'd tried it, would have resulted in my death at his age.  "Actions speak louder than words."  Ouch.  It's mornings like this that make me feel like such a failure as a parent.  I am so disappointed in myself, and I am so sorry that my children are subjected to my bad behavior.. behavior that they get grounded for..  I guess I should ground myself.

My "gifts from God" ~
I have a 10 year old son with the best laugh you could ever hear.  He loves to ride his bike, has a talent for drawing and taekwondo.  He has a mild form of Tourettes that, looking back, first surfaced when he was about 3 or 4.  Even though he fights with his sister and brother on a daily basis, he is fiercely protective of them also.
My 8 year old daughter is too smart for her own good.  She is always writing stories (and elaborating on events from her day..) and drawing pictures.  She has a wild imagination.  She's a picky eater, but enjoys other forms of adventure and is outside as often as she can be.  My little girl is a budding ballerina, debuting on the "big stage" in a university's production of The Nutcracker this last Christmas.
Last, but not least, is my newly 6 year old son.  He is my "huggy bear."  He has a smile that makes his eyes crinkle.. You can't help but smile with him.  He loves all things in the outdoors from bike riding to bugs.  He can be very stubborn, but oh so sweet also.  He's at the age where everything is still exciting and everything is an opportunity for fun.

My babies.. they are gifts.  God blessed me with three beautiful children that are teaching me everyday that I still have a lot to learn.  I hope that, through all my childish moments, they understand that I love them so deeply.

My Stash..

The weekend has come to a close, and, after a week home with a sick birthday boy, I will finally be returning to work in the morning..

My week at home consisted of a lot of cuddling, homework and housework.. and my stash..  Yes, I admit it.  I've got a not-so-secret secret stash of not-good-for-me munchies.  The good news is that it's gone now, the bad news is that I ate it all..  My problem with food is simply that I like to eat.  And I like to eat lots of different types of foods; I'm not too picky, and I'm pretty open to trying new foods.  Unlike other "addictions," a person HAS to eat.  You don't have to have alcohol or tobacco to survive (thought I'm sure some may argue the point..).  I have to keep eating.. I just need to eat the right things more often than just the occasional meal.

I'm pretty sure I turn to food for deeper reasons than just because I like the taste, and maybe if I really dug deep I'd find it easier to stop myself..  I know better, most of us do I suppose.  I did the WeightWatchers thing, and I've read many articles about nutrition, got recipes for healthier eating.  I know what I should be doing.. I just don't commit to doing it for longer than a few weeks at best.  I find myself eating the "wrong" foods and get upset with my lack of self control, only to find myself EATING MORE because I'm mad!  My will power leaves much to be desired.  I do sooooo well, drop a handful of pounds.. and then I don't care anymore, gain most of that handful back.. and then, start over. 

I do exercise - I've become a ZUMBA-addict of sorts.  I've been known to break out in dance when I hear a song on the radio (Side note - do NOT zumba after consuming adult beverages.  Very bad idea.), and it is VERY difficult to stay in my chair at work when I hear one of our songs..  What kills me though, is that I'll go to class and get a Great workout.. then come home and eat Cheetos!  "Don't Buy Them!" you say?  Well, I say it to myself.. and I don't buy them for a while.. but, then I do.  I spent three hours yesterday morning shakin' it with about 75 other crazy zumba dancers - raising money for the American Heart Association.  I am so impressed with myself for making it the full three hours!  My body still aches in such a good way.  But, since that three hours of massive calorie burning, I've eaten some Valentine candy hearts, some Jalapeno Cheetos, and a few Cherry Cordials.  WHY?!?  *sigh*

As I said though, the good news is that the stash is gone..  With much effort on my part, it will not be restocked.

A New Year, A New Plan..

I'm new to this blogging thing.  I don't pretend to be a "writer," but I do enjoy expressing myself through writing..
I just don't usually do so publicly.

Should anyone subscribe to this blog, anyone who doesn't personally know me.. I am a 31 year old mother of three.  I was raised in a small Kansas town, "found myself" during college in the Windy City, traveled back home and married my first love.  I have been struggling with my temper, my weight, my parenting skills, my motivation.  I quite firmly believe that "it takes a village" doesn't just apply to raising a family, but also to my own personal growth.  I'd like to say I don't really care what others think of me... but then I'd be lying.  I suppose it's not such a bad thing to worry about what others think - It does make me think twice about some things.  It makes me hide certain things also though.  I am a perfectionist to a fault (which unfortunately means that some things are just never done.. either because I won't be able to finish completely or because I won't be able to finish it "right"), and I constantly second guess myself in everything.  I'm also sensitive to a fault.. I take way too many things very personally (and then get mad at myself for doing so..).  Tears fall all to easily, and the hurt tends to take a while to heal.

So, "Plan B" is my way to hold myself accountable.  I'm planning to lay it all out here: the good, the bad, the ugly.  This is me, unfiltered.  Well, filtered, but real.