Months of Mad

My son has Tourette's Syndrome.  He can be a little twitchy at times.  And, he can make some strange noises at other times.  No, he doesn't scream out swear words (actually a rare form of TS).  He was diagnosed in 1st Grade and started medication due to a particularly painful and persistent tic.  Looking back, we noticed tics when he was around 3 years old.. we just didn't know what we were seeing.  I just thought my little boy liked to jump when he walked :)  We're pretty lucky really.. it is Very mild in his case. He has long periods of time without any tics at the moment, at least periods without tics that cause him any trouble.  I'm mom.  I notice what most others wouldn't.

It's been a learning experience for us all.  Patience, acceptance, understanding..
We've had our challenges.

He had a bad reaction to the last medication we had him on, and he was just plain Mean for the better part of nine months - he'd have rage attacks that were at a level I just knew were not normal for my 9/10 year old child.  Anything could trigger his anger, and when he got mad He Got REALLY Mad.  I could almost physically feel myself building a wall up between myself and him to protect myself from his glares and verbal jabs... which of course only made me feel worse - Like a HORRIBLE mom (I mean, Who DOES that?! Build a wall from their child!?.. except a horrible mom..).
So, we decided to take him off the medication for now.  And, almost five months after his last dose on Christmas morning, I feel like I have my son back.  I remember the day I realized he was "back" ~ He was doing dishes, a chore that ALWAYS caused intense conflict.  I checked the dishwasher when he was "finished" and called him back up to explain that he needed to get more of the dishes into the still half-empty dishwasher.  I felt that guard come up, I expected the anger to come, the glares and yelling.. and it didn't come.  He dropped his head and SAID SORRY!!  He apologized for not finishing, and he proceeded to empty the sink, rinsing the food off the dishes as he went.
That was the end of January, we're now nearing the end of April.  Things are better.  My son is happier, kinder, more helpful, more understanding.  He smiles more and gives me random and unexpected hugs.. long hugs with an "I love you, mom."  We have moments still, and I'm sure he'll have plenty more angry moments to come that are Not medicine induced...  He is a pre-teen boy after all.  It's taking time to get past the hurt on both our parts.  I responded  to his rage in ways I am NOT proud of.  I was hurt, but I hurt him too... and I'm the adult, the mom, who knew better.  It's taking time to build back that trust between us and get that closeness back.
I can't say that I did many thing "right" during his time on that medication, but I can let you know what I WISH I had done..  I wish I'd not yelled so much.  I wish I'd walked away more (because I walk away from fights with everyone.. except my child apparently *sigh*).  I wish I'd hugged him more once he'd calmed down and told him I loved him and would always love him.  I wish I'd found a way to be silent and calm during his outbursts.  I wish I'd have held my tears in until he was out of the room.. at least most of the time anyway.  I wish I'd let him know that I still thought he was a great kid, because I did, and I do.. In those moments though, I was just too hurt and sad and angry and uncertain and worried to feel love and pride.

Valentine's day, 2012 ~ I picked the kids up from school like I always do.. And my son came up and handed me a watch.  A watch he'd "bought" for me for Valentine's day with his AR points that day at school.  He spent his hard-earned points on a gift for ME.  His idea.  I still tear up thinking about that moment.  I will keep the watch forever. And I will remember the moment that this great kid God entrusted to me gave me such a wonderful gift ~ his love.